Oh, the middle

Here we are. The middle of the semester. The time of year when I begin to wonder if everything will be completed, if I'm learning what I really need to be learning, when I wonder if I'm as impervious to stopping/dropping out as I think I am, and when I reflect with wonder on all I've learned since September.

Our 966 class session on March 2 was the most interesting, educational class I've had so far in this program. Not because of what I learned, but because of the honesty with which it was presented. I am an ally for the gay community. An outspoken one. A passionate one. However, I often wonder if I'm doing enough, or if I'm understanding what needs understanding to be most effective. The terminology conversation helped me speak openly about what I know (do I really know what I know? Perhaps that's another blog post altogether) and what I just plain have no clue about. Discussing how the readings apply to real-life practice helped me think of things in a concrete way not just "if I were a student affairs practitioner, I might do X, Y and Z."

As I research for the upcoming literature review, I wonder what the implications for lesbian, gay and bisexual communities is in the online sphere. Do they differ from the face-to-face environment? Do they differ for undergraduates and graduates?

Thanks to LJ and Julie for making me think.

Identity Development

Throughout the last two weeks as we have explored the many readings in the ASHE Reader and other various narratives, I have come to the realization that the only time my identity was ever questions was in regards to my gender. My reflections take me back to my childhood where I grew up as the stereotypical tomboy. Yes, I had Barbie dolls, an Easy Bake Oven, and a purple, flowery bedroom, but outside of those typical girly features, I was a tomboy in every sense of the stereotype. The majority of my friends were boys and therefore I participated in boy activities like baseball, soccer, football, riding BMX bikes, making wooden forts, raiding each Dad's workshop for tools to make a ramp for the bikes, playing with Matchbox cars and several other non-girl activities. I felt uncomfortable in dresses. I wore a Detroit Tigers baseball cap one entire summer. I always skinned my knee each summer doing something like climbing a tree, falling off my bike after an unsuccessful jump, or just plain falling on the cement as I ran down the street to catch a football as we played a game of tag football. My two older brothers made me tough by teaching me to "not throw like a girl." This rule applied to both baseball and football.

In summer between 5th and 6th grade, I cut my hair. Short. Boy short. And during a time when my body was changing and sneaking into puberty, I hid behind short hair, boy-like clothes, and a propensity to avoid the girls in my class. One of the hardest moments for me was at the beginning of 7th grade in junior high, when in a new school with many new faces, I got ridiculed over and over again for my looks. "What are you? A boy?" or "Nice hair BOYGIRL." It wasn't that I was confused about whether I was a girl or attracted to boys. Believe me, I had Tiger Beat and Teen Beat magazines stacked in my bedroom, posters of Michael Jackson and John Stamos on my bedroom door, and mad crushes on boys in my classes. I just did not feel girly. I identified with my female gender, but just not with the girls that "looked" more female.

The change in my gender identity to others happened between 7th and 8th grade, when I grew out my hair a bit, died it blonde and started to dress more like a girl. It wasn't that I was forced to do so by my mom, it was that my interest in boys started to blossom and my desire for attention back from boys overshadowed my uncomfortableness with looking like a girl. In 8th grade, I had my first real boyfriend, as much as you can have in 8th grade by "going" together. But I was still the one that hung out with the odd ball girls and got along with the boys.

At age 37, there are still very distinct things about me that can be recognized from my childhood as a tomboy. I have a shortcut to ESPN on my Droid phone, I have played fantasy football for the past 10 years, I wear hockey skates, I have no fear of power tools, and on the weekends you'll find me in jeans, a hooded sweatshirt and Merrill hiking shoes. There is no doubt about my sexual identity, but I bend the gender norms and have no identity issues with that at all. Some people call it low maintenance, I call it the flexibility to relate to men as well as women on an equal footing.